Forget what I want. What I want is irrelevant. What is at hand is what matters: it’s a debut, six points of varying degrees of severity that may or may not (depending upon the episode or iteration) be linear or cohesive. They may or may not be tongue-in-cheek but, cutting through the fat and bearing with what may or may not resemble trolling, it’ll all be coherent and I’ll be relevant forever. You may or may not enjoy those statements. C’est la vie; I enjoyed making them. So without prejudice and undoubtedly without remorse that said debut is on how following these six points leads The Donald to 270+ Electoral College votes and, thusly, four more years of being POTUS Trump. Now just you think about that.
1 – The national GOP should abandon California altogether: I’ll take you to the top, and I mean starting with the POTUS, Donald J. Trump (R-NY). If the state GOP of California can dupe the denizens of the state into throwing their money into that political abyss, and they’re willing to continue backing clowns like House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy and the driver of the clown car himself, Representative Devin Nunes? By all means. They’ve clearly got more money than sense to continue dumping funds into the void for politicians of that, uh, caliber. All other political parties can breathe easy as The California Republican (all nineteen of them left) will be the next species to go extinct. And I do mean all other parties: the Green Party, the Libertarian Party and certainly a Pants Party all have brighter electoral futures there. The Left Coast certainly isn’t “the Best Coast” (so clever) for those anywhere to the right of the political center whatsoever. Gone are the days when names like Nixon and Reagan (Hell, even Schwarzenegger) were possible.
Don’t like it? I wanna be very careful how I say this: I don’t care. Mr. President do not spend one dime of your campaign war chest nor attend a single rally in the USSC (United Socialist State of California; you’re welcome for the Twitter fodder). They will never, ever in three forevers send an Electoral College vote to a GOP candidate again. And yes, that means not wasting a single calorie of your energy speaking at said rallies. Let chumps with names like Kevin and Devin take the fall out there. They may not like me for saying these things, but nobody can look me in the eyes and keep a straight face while telling me I’m wrong on what I’ve said on this point. They can’t. It’s not physically possible.
2- Follow up the momentous victory that is the First Step Act by bringing about the de-scheduling of marijuana and striking a compromise: twist arms, promise whatever, stroke wherever (preferably no lower than the ID) but appease the collective conscience of the Evangelicals in your base by allowing the States to choose which way they want to go in terms of regulation, sale, taxation, et al, but for the love of God and, Hell, The Bill of Rights, The Constitution, The Founding Fathers, anyone? Bueller? Stop the dumbassery inherent in having it scheduled above cocaine base and methamphetamine and allowing people to go to prison forever over a plant. They may drive too slow, they may have too little ambition for your liking but they’ll increase their affection for your beloved American cuisine and this is a Civil Rights issue that The GOP can win. Let that sink in.
How? Based on regard for our Founding Fathers (Washington and Jefferson who, uh, grew cannabis? Bueller?), fiscal sanity (greater tax revenue, less strain on judiciary), improved public-police relations (tell me I’m wrong) and not sending people to prison over a plant made by the God in whom we supposedly trust. Well, do we?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Senator Romney (R-UT).
3- Facilitate the expedited screening and registration of vetted immigrants into “the system”, to include Social Security numbers. Most of the “Yeah-huh/Nuh-uh” debates over who’s paying in, and so on? They go away. They’re paying in from Day One post-vetting and registration. How can I assure you this will work?
Follow up this first part by mercilessly punishing corporations who solicit and employ illegal immigrant workers. You want someone to blame for this ongoing intranational nightmare? There. Revoke corporate charters, seize assets and send the executives authorizing such moves (no, not lower management, not mid-level managers; no, I mean the folks getting bonuses larger than entire payrolls) to Federal [expletive deleted] prison.
Even if there are individual tweaks needed thereafter, I guaran-[expletive deleted]-tee you that things will improve, holistically, for the American people and our new, resident taxpaying citizens and, yes, corporate America. Real quick.
Oh, and I nearly forgot: the Hispanic vote just got a lot more competitive.
4- Continue to champion the tax cuts. America had the highest corporate income tax rate in the world. Bar none. Period. And that’s one way to stifle market-entry incentives. Wal-Mart isn’t the only company paying taxes. So is ModState Magazine.
But do follow through on your campaign promise(s) to hit up your “trust-fund guys” (your words, Mr. President) and, taking you back to the top, propose a Capital Gains Tax affecting the top of the top of the above-1%. Y’know, the ones who laugh at talk of raising the personal income tax because that’s not the way to tax them? Those cats. Make them pay for incremental infrastructure upgrades.
5- End the tariffs. There are plenty of ways to punish China (and rightfully so) without making Americans foot the bill. India is a burgeoning economic superpower that not only surpasses China in terms of demographics but is, to put it mildly, far more of a free society and open market. Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam, Australia, South Korea, & Co.? They’d all be interested in a pact that punishes China’s currency manipulation, IP theft and harassment on the high seas. Forget The Moon, forget all the other BS when it comes to the DoD: focus half our Defense-appropriated R&D on the Navy for the foreseeable future.
Why? Because 90% of international trade occurs via the high seas, and we cannot relent in both size and technological advantage and our continued pursuit of all of the above. Hence the United States Navy. Keep repeating that phrase (have fun with it, make it your own: “the United…States…Navy!”), over and over, like a mantra, and while you do, you’ve relieved pressure on Americans. And the Chinese? Thereafter, you’ve isolated them, punished them for the above-cited misdeeds and let them know they can have their fake islands but touch our friends, our Sailors and, above all else, the Almighty [expletive deleted] Dollar?
Enters the stage: Rudy Giuliani (R-NY), who gives a sterling Godfather impersonation in saying, “Gee, Xi, it sure would be a shame if somebody lost their ‘People’s Republic’ by getting sent to Tibet. Sure would be a shame…”
6- Have a heart-to-heart moment during the latter stages of the 2020 State of the Union address, where you acknowledge loving to rib people, and explain that you understand it’s called “trolling” and that you [expletive deleted] love doing it. It could go something like, “Nobody trolls better than me, that I can tell you. Nobody can deny I’ve been more than the Earnest Hemingway of Twitter; Heck, I’ve been the Kurt Vonnegut of Trolling. Lyin’ Ted? That Face on Carly Fiorina? Little Marco? Crooked Hillary? Leakin’ James Comey? Sleepy Joe? And lemme tell you, James is a leaker and Joe, Handsy Joe, he doesn’t have the stamina any more than Hillary did. Ah, see, I’m doing it and I’m not even on Twitter right now. I’m here with you guys! Ah, kidding. I’m here not just with the guys but with you all! There, I even included the South on this one. Except you, Jeff Sessions. You and Roy Moore aren’t invited. But I’m the best at trolling, believe me. Everyone’s saying it! And while this is true, so true, just know that I am sorry for anyone who took this as anything more than me, in my own way, getting my point across, anybody who I genuinely hurt. I would never do that. I mean, I got love letters from Kim after calling him Rocket Man at the UN. If he gets it after getting it, which is, well, you know what I mean…if he got it, so can you all. From now on, maybe we can have beautiful love letters between us. The country and me. Think we can do that, Madam Press Secretary? Let’s make that happen. But I do love you all, because, I mean, hey, you’re smart. You put me up here behind this podium, and I’m making sure you all know I was just trolling, and I’ll keep doing it because everyone thinks more, and thinking never hurt America, am I right? And we’re gonna keep trolling and thinking and start a beautiful thing with our own beautiful love letters, and we’ll keep America great together. I love you all, bigly. God bless America, this great land, and God bless each and every one of you. Goodnight.”
Maybe I’m crazy, y’all, and I’ve certainly never been accused of being cool. You can thank me or cuss me or whatever later (depending upon your point of view).
But whatever the individual case may be, y’know those six bullet-points you just read? They get Donald John Trump re-elected.
I did that.
Believe me.