[Note from the Exec. Ed: “This article missed our own promotional deadline, a timetable of 9pm Pacific, because of issues with the Wi-Fi on the Left Coast (specifically Pismo Beach, California). That said, the delay is my fault and not that of Mr. Borger, who has written an excellent article chock full of scathing wit and generational observations. V/r, J.D. DeViney]
Before I go on blast, let me start off by giving my heart to the victims and families affected by the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando. In times like these we have to reach out to those in need and lend a helping hand. We can shed our tears, open our welcoming arms, and pay our respects to those we’ve lost. We must stand tall and not live in fear or anger. We must persist and eulogize what was and will always be the fondest of memories, those moments of growth and friendship, and only then can clarity lead to strength.
As we reach the final primary of the Presidential race in DC, our fears have become reality. CNN and Fox News could’ve just given us a “spoiler” warning a year ago since both of the respective party nominees were obviously premeditated. We could’ve saved all the fear-mongering and confusion for this moment in history. As we look ahead to the DNC in July, the Dems are forced to believe in Hillary Clinton. Or as I like to call her, Bill’s “Manager’s Special.” This may seem pompous, but I can’t like someone if I hate their face and I sincerely hate Hillary Clinton’s face. Now don’t get that twisted as a figure of speech brotatoes and bitchquicks, okay? I really, actually cannot stand the sight of Hillary Clinton’s expressive, breathing face. I never could. Also, on certain days, she looks way older than the day before. What is with that? Do time zones age her until she goes back to the time zone she is accustomed to? It’s creepy. Trump isn’t a pleasant tray of buttermilk biscuits either. Donald Trump looks like overcooked spaghetti that I am deathly allergic to. Yo J. Trump! I’ve seen your Gucci wife and I’m not impressed. Lord knows how many gardeners you employ illegally that she locks in her bathroom for a midnight snack. As far as ole Trumpet is concerned, he’s still a TV persona to me. Don’t get me wrong, he owns it. He has boosted CNN so incredibly high, after this election, CNN is gonna have to hire more creative directors and choreographers just to meet demand. The bar has been historically set, so unless Bernie Sanders and Wolf Blitzer form a live-on-air podcast entitled “Wolf Bern,” no ratings could ever match that of this year’s maternity ward. CNN will have to inevitably become the World Wrestling Entertainment of information television and I can see it now: CNEN. The Cable News Entertainment Network and it’ll cost you $10.99 to subscribe, but they recently pulled all of the Donald Trump Pay-Per-View matches and biographical content because of some choice racial words he said during his alleged sex tape. Sorry 80’s kids, no “Trump Drop” nostalgia off of the top rope today.
Look, I can always smell bullshit and it’s hard to distinguish political BS when deeply submerged in a cesspool of social pawns and corporate agendas. The people have been had. We are forced to swallow the assumption that racism is a common practice. Well, of course it is, but it shouldn’t be provoked or socially accepted as “the norm.” It’s a growing problem grazing the thin surface. We are forced to vote for Hillary because Trump is “so whack.” Newsflash, kids! Aren’t the strings visible now? Isn’t the elephant in the room in plain sight? Yes, the elephant is a Republican. Roll Tide. It is apparent that Trump was coldly calculated, like a chess piece, in order to King Hillary Clinton. A man who, a year ago, was running for president just to see how far he could go. It has been an utter freakshow because the Islamic State wasn’t scaring us into submission anymore. The notion of Trump becoming our next president sure raised our eyebrows, and by eyebrows I mean CNN’s ratings. All the fabricated hypocrisy defecated right there on our front porch to smell, and no matter how many voters claim that the [expletive deleted] stunk, the media continued to laugh and buy Donald Trump a brewski for the punchline. A little food for thought: Bernie fought a good fight, but it’s over. However, the revolution has just begun.
The argument now is prying the millenials off of the phrase, “a vote for a third party is a vote for Trump.” Sure. If that doesn’t prove my point that Trump is a pawn so that Hillary seems electable, I don’t know what is. This country would much rather elect an African American male then a Caucasian female. A country that has an equal voice meandering to an upper class that deals only in black and white, and an upper class society that pushes buttons on their prey to enact civil unrest and national division. We are red or blue and the people who’re in-betweens do not count. My vote is going to Governor Gary Johnson, as perhaps now is the time to vote third party. How is that for history? All he needs is 15% of the vote to deserve a spot on the debate floor. If 15% seems impractical to you, try to understand that the percentage of voters who finds Hillary or Trump unfavorable candidates for the presidency are more than double. Both presidential frontrunners are historically unfavorable. In fact, Internet polls show that both Trump and Hillary are either “strongly favorable” or “strongly unfavorable.” Talk about making history. Bravo, pavers of the way! People now will tell the Bernie backers to get behind Hillary as she takes on the master Celebrity Apprentice, while I ask you to step aside. They will tell you it’s over and if you don’t want to vote, then stay at home on your PlayStation 4. I ask you to march your ass into that voting center, as no vote at all is a vote for the establishment. The establishment resides in both Hillary and Trump, so be mindful of your defeat. If we back out now and let our bridges burn, all of our efforts are lost. We, the Millenials, must realize that the media is no longer our god. We are freethinking spirits draped in the ghosts of our founding fathers, atoned for by our logical thought and iron will and, furthermore, protected by the brave men and women who strive to keep us thinking freely. In that regard alone, we must stand tall and take what is ours.
The opportunity to make a stand happens now. It isn’t a long shot or a far-fetched solution conspired by fools. This is fool proof, because we are the power of this great nation. We are the Internet and we are the future. The powers that be are nothing more than a bank vault that desperately needs our endorsement and wallets to keep them on life support. They know we can pull the plug and they send their conspiracy journalists to strike fear into our bloggers and ambitious theologians. We are a plentiful force carved by youthful hands and we grow stronger by the second. For every lie they spew and every deception they [expletive deleted] out, we become the air they [expletive deleted] breathe. Voting third party is the solution for us Millenials. Let your parents and grandparents (who can’t figure out why the remote doesn’t work when it needs new batteries) vote how they want. Don’t let them take advantage of your independent mind. All I am asking is to use your power. Don’t sit back and watch the flames. Do not vote for Hillary simply because Trump is on the opposing side. No one voted for Ivan Drago because Rocky IS the American Hero. It’s a no-contest. Give Gary Johnson the opportunity to punch face. The worst that can happen is that the media blacks out the truth, so that our revolution will be nothing more than a footnote, a sneeze. So be it. At least we gave it our all and didn’t pack our bags when Bernie Sanders left the station.